For years, I believed I was doing the right thing.
I thought putting others first—always—was noble.
I thought keeping the peace meant staying silent.
I thought being agreeable, available, and accommodating made me a good person.
After all, aren’t we taught to be selfless?
To avoid conflict?
To be “nice”?
What I didn’t realize was that my niceness was costing me me.
I wasn’t showing up as my full self—I was showing up as who I thought people wanted me to be.
Every “yes” that wasn’t aligned chipped away at my authenticity.
Every swallowed “no” buried my truth deeper.
I wasn’t choosing peace. I was choosing people-pleasing.
And people-pleasing is not love. It’s fear, dressed in politeness.
The Hidden Root of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing and selfishness may seem like opposites, but they often grow from the same root: fear.
- Fear of rejection
- Fear of disappointing others
- Fear of not being needed or loved unless we perform
And fear always tries to control.
Fear says, “If I can just be good enough, helpful enough, agreeable enough… maybe then I’ll be safe. Maybe then they won’t leave.”
Fear manipulates outcomes by suppressing truth.
It puts on a smile while silencing the soul.
The Extremes Aren’t Working
In a world of extremes, we’re often pushed to pick sides:
- Be a martyr or be selfish.
- Be soft or be harsh.
- Say yes to everything or build walls around your life.
But what if there’s another way?
What if love isn’t about abandoning ourselves or others, but embracing both?
What if there’s a third way?
The Third Way: Love in Its Truest Form
The third way is not rooted in fear, but in love.
It’s a kind of love that starts within.
A love that honors your voice, your values, your needs—without negating those of others.
A love that is both gentle and firm. Compassionate and clear.
When we live and serve from this place:
- Boundaries become bridges, not barriers.
- Truth becomes an offering, not a weapon.
- Service becomes sacred, not self-erasing.
This third way allows us to show up whole, not hollow.
To give from overflow, not depletion.
To serve not to be seen or validated, but because we are already rooted in love.
Loving from the Third Way Has Greater Impact
When we love from fear, our service is conditional—driven by outcomes, approval, or acceptance.
But when we love from wholeness, our impact expands. Why?
Because truth resonates.
Because authenticity liberates others.
Because real love transforms.
This kind of love invites others to be fully themselves too. It doesn’t coerce. It doesn’t perform.
It simply is—and in being, it becomes a powerful force for healing, honesty, and connection.
The Call to Courage
The third way is not the easiest path—it requires self-awareness, courage, and a willingness to disappoint others in order to stay true to yourself.
But it is the most freeing, most honest, most impactful way to live.
So, to the former people-pleaser in you, I say this:
You don’t have to abandon your kindness.
You just have to anchor it in truth.
You don’t have to choose between love for others and love for yourself.
There is room for both.
Welcome to the third way.
Where peace isn’t purchased with your silence.
Where love is not a performance.
Where service flows from freedom, not fear.